Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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