JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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