Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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