I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i will never coherently bang her
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
