Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
