I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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