i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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