My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
