do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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