Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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