you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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