i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
