i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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