my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
