The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
