Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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