I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
