so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
