At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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