There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
