everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
