If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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