I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
