I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
this will be a night to untag.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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