Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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