How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
