We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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