Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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