High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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