come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
