it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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