After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
