Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
