never play flip cup with pint glasses
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
