Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
