im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
