please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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