i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
