my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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