Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
