captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
