if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
