I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
