Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
