can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
