YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I think I am morally bankrupt
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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