The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
