Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
