Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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