My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
