I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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