if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wish my penis had a tongue
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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