see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
