none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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