Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
