is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
