Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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