the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
