Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
