she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
